therapy

arghnhhhhhghhhghhghhh

(gulp gin)

(what - the gin i'm supposed to be saving for the weekend and anyways definitely not drinking on a wednesday which is, any way you slice it, part of monday - wednesday? that gin? yes that gin. and now we can add guilt to the angst pile. yay)

i have a severe case of the angst today. not even hangover related (that's probably for tomorrow - see gin, above). and it's not for a good reason even just a bunch of little crappy things and total paralysing fear over THE FUTURE and far far too many hours on various uk and canadian government websites trying to figure out if i will ever be eligible for a pension from any country ever. answer maybe just enough to buy cat food. for dinner. my dinner.

government websites have some sort of joy-sucking vortex going on, and expat sites are no better. there's no way to really get the information you need and lots of "helpful advice" that scares you so much you wonder how any of us ever anywhere are going to survive past 70. i entered details into one calculator that said i needed to save more than i actually earn to avoid the cat food scenario. it is all quite catastrophically depressing.

and i am skint and fat and feeling quite sorry for myself.

this is all aided and abetted by the fact that work is - how can i put this delicately? and in a way that precludes me ever being sued? "a bit slow". oh god is it slow. glaciers are melting faster than decisions are being made (that's probably no longer a useful metaphor - thanks big oil!). there is a ban on new projects but the main project is stalled and we are left to amuse ourselves until the dam breaks and then i will be so busy i will probably lose my mind that way instead of this way. the future's bright.

but at least i have a job (so far).

and the whole pension thing will change a million times by the time i can ever retire anyways. the smart thing to do is to pay off debts (getting there) then save save save. can't do more than that anyways. (this line of reasoning is about as effective as a plaster on an amputation but hey).

and you know, a nice guy on the train tonight pointed out that my travel card had fallen out of my pocket and i retrieved it and that could have been so so much worse as my travel card is pretty much the most expensive thing i own (and my bank card was tucked up in the case so it would have been a two-fer).

and there is, blessedly, still gin.

tomorrow i think i will look up knitting websites instead. and funny pictures of cats.

the path to the pub

and a check to see if i can post a picture from my phone...

dog bits

 

new jumper

i finished it!!! 

my first adult-sized jumper. 

and i only had to knit it three times or so. 

ok not quite that much but there is knitting and there is unknitting and they are sides of the same coin. there are still bits i would do differently next time but frankly it would have had to turn into pure handspun gold for me to rip out the collar and do it for the fourth time. i looked at it and realised that my dedication to perfection is actually fairly flimsy. fair-weather dedication. better-be-right-in-three-tries-or-bugger-it-and-call-it-a-design-feature dedication.

but despite this i am very proud of myself. i mean it fits and everything.

 

ah the effortless elegance of greyhounds (snigger). 

it's a quiet weekend here at the oast. there's wine to rack and beer to bottle, new knitting to start (!!!! - ok, you don't really think i actually finish things before i start new ones do you?!), and book 4 of game of thrones to devour. there's a chicken to roast and a cozy chat with my mom to look forward to. 

and the simple fact that there was life before i knew i could knit an actual jumper, and life after. mwuahh ha ha ha ha ..... (runs off to plot feverishly)

just what the dr ordered

we've been back just over three weeks and i think we've only lately more or less adjusted. it was such a pull back this time - whether due to the amount of time in canada or that last week of pure bliss on gabriola island, i'm not sure. I will write abut that beautiful week sometime and the lovely surprises therein - but just now i am somewhat relieved to be feeling content back in my own skin in this land we are currently (and for the foreseeable future) still living in. this is a problem with long term planning isn't it? it's all well and good to say: in ten years (or maybe less if the money gods are benevolent) we want to move back to canada, but you still have to live all those years where you are and the heart cannot be pulled in too many directions without rupture and tears.

but we are not there yet, and where we are today is snug and cozy in our wee garden with an afternoon bbq that we started talking about on tuesday or wednesday, refined by thursday, salivated over friday, were struck by last minute inspiration on saturday, and enacted today. cooking and eating are some of my favourite entertainments. add music and sunshine - a good view and a happy dog - wild sockeye from the (old) new country, and some very nice wine - well.

the menu if you're interested:

n's grilled flatbread with hummus
grilled king prawns marinated in garlic and lemon
grilled scallops marinated in coriander, lime, serrano chilli
grilled cherry tomatoes
grilled courgette marinated in lemon, garlic, parsley; grated parmesan
sockeye salmon steaks (thanks kez!) grilled on a cedar plank
potato salad

wine was a dry italian chardonnay and a sharp peppery french rose (further origins unknown - bottle in recycling bin and yr humble correspondent too lazy to go check)

yesterday was spent on the banks of the swale, watching boats and gulls and swifts and the tide slowly ebbing, drinking pints of goachers shipwrecked ale and eating sandwiches made of n's bread, salami,  canterbury cobbler cheese, with a healthy dose of salt air from the sea.

ah summer. although i know in my heart you are fickle and will leave me in the drifting leaves, today i don't care and i am sure our love will last forever.