a walk in the sun and other good things

i've been thinking of favourite smells this afternoon, mostly brought on by the crackling smell of potatoes hitting hot duck fat as we prepared our supper this evening. onions browning in butter has got to be right up there - always makes me happy. chicken stock simmering. cedar trees. the winter smell of faversham, which is a combination of chimney smoke, the sea and the brewery. brushing up against lavender bushes.

we went for a long walk along the marshes this afternoon. it was sunny, but windy. i had to be brave:

that, my friends, is almost certainly a killer cow ready to charge at the slightest smell of fear. n stopped to take closeups, but i was already halfway to the next gate shouting in that trying-not-to-arouse-the-cattle sotto-voice "for gods sake, don't hang about - go - go!"

work is too dull to even mention, and dad is not as well as we would like, but life goes on, and i have a lot to be grateful for. for one thing, the killer cow resisted attack and i am still here, in one piece, against obviously frightening odds!

oh yeah, and in other news, n and i are going to get married in may. we are both somewhat ambivalent, the patriarchal traditional aspects of marriage not really part of our world view, but it turns out that this is by far the cheapest and most effective way of making sure we are taking care of each other, come what may. and you get a good party to boot. we are nothing if not romantic.

whimpering and rallying

well.

well well well.

i mean, if you were to ask me this week how i liked my new job i would probably reply (in my head) 'i hate it'. which is true. but it is also true that i still think the move has a lot of merit and it has certainly been successful in some measures. it will make me a better project manager. it has brought a degree of security that we didn't have before. it has paid (PAID) holiday - uk holiday - proper holiday.

but dear god above - i am working for a bank! how did this happen? how could i be so - so - corrupted?!

(technically i am not working for a bank - i am working for a consultancy firm that works for the bank. i am pretty sure this distinction will be immaterial come the revolution but it goes some way to salving my injured conscience).

it's been a trying few weeks. the culture shock of going back to the city, although anticipated, has quite taken my breath away.

btw, i should perhaps at this juncture point out that when londoners refer to 'the city', they are not referring to london. they are referring to a district of london, also known as 'the square mile'. the city is one of the primary financial zones (canary wharf being the bratty younger brother), as well as being the oldest part of london. this makes for some fabulous architecture - you will find remnants of the old roman walls, the tower of london, the monument, and something like 10 churches designed by sir christopher wren including st pauls. there are up sides to working here. on the next sunny day i will endeavor to take pictures to share with you. unfortunately, this wonderful built environment is rather distempered by the hordes of suited-and-booted minions of the devil who have made this their spiritual home.

i've worked here before, which adds shades of nostalgia to the unique city mix of wonder at the history and architecture and nausea at many of the inhabitants. but it's been a long time, over 10 years, and i have changed considerably. i'm happy, for a start. that alone will surely set me apart from the hordes.

it is getting better. i am no longer consumed with depression when faced with my new environment. i will eventually get used to working long hours again, and probably even enjoy that to some degree. once i get 'properly trained' (is it just me who pictures rolled-up newspaper here?) i will be busy and i am happy when i'm busy.

but - but -

- being a responsible grownup really bites arse sometimes.