omg

i just spent 50 quid on shampoo. well shampoos and a conditioning styling spray whatever that is when it's at home. i think my hairdresser must have hypnotised me. she did have her dog with her - a small terrier-type thing that sat in my lap like a mini-hot-water bottle the whole time. hard to believe tallulah (the terrier) and humphrey are both the same species. tallulah is white with a shock of bright pink on her head, courtesy of the younger stylists at the salon. she looked like like a furry flannel. perhaps she is also a subliminal marketing genius.

for that price, they better last for a year. i never can tell if i'm being hoodwinked by the pernicious beauty industry and might as well use my own homemade soap to wash my hair, or if it really does make a difference to use 'proper' stuff. at this price, i am, frankly, expecting miracles.

one of them will, i am assured, at least get the chlorine out of my hair. blonde/whites and chlorine do a dowdy shade of khaki make if not diligently guarded against.

50 quid. good lord.

thank you for your well-wishes. i believe i have regained my sanity (well, i can hear you chortle - that will be a first! ungracious indeed! i have always generally been sane - undoubtedly one of my greatest obstacles to happiness.) but i digress.

i did have a beer (and some yummy ginger wine) and watched the show on the normans, and ate my dinner, and went to bed, and got up and went to work this morning, all still in a funk. i left early, just missed the train i left early to catch, considered sitting down and having a good old cry right in the middle of st pancras station, decided against it (a close call though), caught the next train, girded my loins and read the paper.

it wasn't that bad.

parts of it are actually quite good.

i could express the last section more eloquently, but all in all, not the catastrophe i was convinced of yesterday.

i came home and went for a swim. i did not feel like it, but i am learning that, unless you are actually ill, those are the times you need to swim the most. i had a nice enough swim, then, in the changing rooms, eureka!

well, a mini-eureka, anyways. i could finally put my finger on one of the points i've been dancing around for weeks.

luckily i had a pen and an old receipt and i was able to write it down.

then on the way home i saw a puppy in the park. a 17 week old golden lab named alfie. the cutest thing.

i feel much better now.

arggghhhh! my dissertation sucks!!!!!

i have officially lost all perspective.

you might have picked up on that.

it's even more obvious in person, believe me.

i wrote an abstract this afternoon and it was so much better than the dissertation it was abstracting - it was so depressing. how can that even be possible?

i'm sick of it. international law can go fragment itself to the moon for all i care.

i'm going to drown my sorrows in a pint of ruby red ale and watch a programme on those murderous despicable bastards the normans in an effort to cheer myself up.

*whimper*

last swimming lesson

i had my last swimming lesson today. although a very reasonable cost, they were starting to add up. i've also learned enough to be getting along on my own, but i'm still sad the lessons will end! i've sure learned alot - some things i anticipated, some i didn't. i knew i'd get over the nervousness of new places with new rules (spoken and unspoken as with most self-contained environments) and that i'd figure out what to bring and when it would be less busy. i knew i'd get stronger and it would probably be tough some days.

i didn't know how tough! i spent the first months clinging, limpet-like, to the edge trying desperately to get some air into my lungs and feeling the bright-red burn of my cheeks, huffing and puffing. not my most elegant.

but elegance, to some degree, has come. sometimes, i get a tumble turn just right and i glide, fast and flowing through the water before emerging into just the right place in the stroke. sometimes, the feel is just there and i feel like i could swim for hours. sometimes, of course, i misjudge entirely and nearly choke to death, coughing and spluttering and trying to get the water out of my nose.

what i'm most surprised about is how much more confident i am in my body. i suppose spending a significant amount of time in a small and fitted piece of nylon/lycra is going to desensitise you to self-consciousness eventually, but it's more than that. i think of my legs as legs that can kick strong, and i know my arms can pull me through the water fast. it's a new feeling for me - i just don't feel as self-conscious. note the 'as'. obviously i am still racked with fear and loathing as are most modern women left exposed to overwhelming societal messages about what we are supposed to look like and all the effort we are required to do so. (honestly, who has that much time?!)

i will keep swimming - on the first of september i'll be buying my first season pass for the pool - first of many i hope. i wouldn't have stuck it out if it wasn't for the lessons though. dragging my hungover ass to the pool on a sunday morning - it took a lot of repetition before the message that this actually made me feel better really sunk in.

and, no, i'm still not any slimmer! but, somehow, that doesn't matter so much anymore either.

summer 2

it's pouring. really really pouring. it is tempting to think this is because i have booked the week off, but i fear it is my fellow canadian's fault, geo, who is visiting with her husband from saskatoon where apparently it has rained ALL SUMMER.

i rest my case

we are tucked up inside, happy as bivalves, marvelling, just now, at how larry graham bloody funked that bass. sly and the family stone. make that FUNKY FACE.

that is a command, btw.

those boys and girls could funk. oh yes.

...

what - you were looking for a point?

theme perhaps?

how's this - larry graham shows how talent and soul - heart - feeling - transcend musical phases and trends and make their point - days, years, decades later as emphatically as they did the day they were laid down.

now MAKE that funky face!

summer