work till you drop

rationally, i know that it is impossible that i have done nothing but work my whole life. yesterday, in fact, i left work early and spent a happy late afternoon and evening in broadstairs with my friend s and her delightful girls. but that was yesterday. years ago.

i'm on day 9 of a 21 day jag that would be easier if it wasn't hot on the heels of 19 day and 12 day previous jags. so far i've had 4 days off since the end of june and i'm starting to get a little weird.

the moves are going well. i still love my team. the adrenaline of the project keeps me going for the most part. but when i get home and sit down and pour a glass of wine and look at the dog (who is looking back with a uniquely doggish expression of love, regret and slight hostility at past absence), i just - grind to a halt. my head is so full of this project there's no room for anything else. when i'm not working (a few hours between sleeping now and then) i don't know what to think about. my brain is knackered.

my body is too. ai yi yi. i am no longer 20. this is not kansas. i am feeling my age. the morning alarm is set to radio three and as the dulcet tones engage, i first attempt to remember what day of the week it is - a process that n and i generally have to guess at several times. i then contemplate getting up, at which point my back decides it would rather not. this wouldn't be so bad if I weren't halfway out of bed, but as it is i stumble, hit my shin on the footboard, lose my balance, and crash towards the shower. days would be a lot easier to manage if they didn't start with mornings.

i think tonight i will go draw a bath (in which i will doubtless fall asleep - these days my kindle is in a ziplock bag just in case) and then pretend to go to bed "to read". i have the new murakami book downloaded and ready and maybe - maybe i will be able to stay awake long enough to read the first page or so....

and - truly - even though i'm over tired and my brain is overloaded - i'm having fun and i wouldn't trade for much. not to mention the overtime. so don't feel too sorry for me!

i'm sorry i haven't a clue

"after this season people ask me, do you think they're comedy greats? to which i reply, yes, it does."

hahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahhah! *snort*

surfacing

*waves*

i'm currently working for weeks at a stretch and in order to maintain this pace without resorting to locking myself in the loo and having an ugly-cry, i need to be in bed by 9 at the latest. 830 ideally. this does not leave much time for other activities to say the least but it seems to be working as i am still more or less sane in a project of abject madness. so far we've moved 750 people in two weeks into a building that is not finished by anyone's definition. fun and games people - fun and games. to be honest, it's going quite well, considering. between us four move managers we have a lot of experience and that is basically saving our asses. we can see the fuck ups far ahead on the horizon because we have all, individually, at one point or another, fucked it up ourselves sometime in the past. not to say there won't be some surprises ahead, but it helps.

which makes me wonder why people disparage getting older to such a degree. as far as i can see, getting older is not only fun and brilliant, but also makes life much easier and thus more enjoyable.  surely a few wrinkles and extra pounds are a bargain in exchange.

although what do i know. i was so tired this morning i tried to put the coffee pot back in the fridge and it was only the fact that there was no room that clued me in, after butting it against the shelf for about a minute. mornings, always my nemesis, are becoming a bit of a problem. last week i whacked my elbow on the door frame (so hard i thought i might actually throw up) because i didn't equate the fact that i was going through a doorway as being antithetical to pulling on my cardigan.

the whole summer will be like this - but i do have two days off this coming weekend after 20 days on the trot - a breather amongst the chaos - a chance for the bruises to heal :)

snippet

"i once shook hands with pat boone. my whole right side sobered up." - dean martin

and another thing

i just finished listening to "love nina" by nina stibbe which i loved. i found it a little strange at first but once i got into the flow i really enjoyed it. it's a glimpse into the mundane every-day conversations and stuff of life. she writes a lot of dialog verbatim and i loved hearing it.  the audio book is read by her which makes it even better.

i'm shamelessly copying this.

here's the whats app thread from the meeting our boss attended re pc:

boss: it's not a job it's a fucking adventure
x: and you get paid for it too! aren't you a lucky boy?
boss: WE are all very lucky
x: nah we're not lucky, we're fabulous
boss: we are fabulously moving people next week

work

generally, when one is moving 3000 people into a newly-built building, one would prefer that building to be finished. one would expect to see carpet, lighting - even, say, furniture.

it appears that this is not a universal view.

the phrase "partial practical completion" (pc) is one that is taking on a horrible if inevitable resonance this week. it is left undefined, as if to add to its already considerable mystery.

this time next week, we are expected to move 450 people into this building. we are assured that full pc will happen before the move, or if not before the move, "before monday for sure".

this fills us with confidence.

on the other hand i'm not really stressed out anymore because there is nothing i can do. i cannot fix this. i can't make it better. there is no idea i could possibly have that will solve everything. this is, frankly, somewhat of a relief. the next two months are going to be a shit storm of epic proportions and all i can do is keep my head down and breath through my nose.

this is going to be interesting...

bye bye blackbird

this is my last evening of my 30's. i didn't think i really cared that much but it does in fact feel a little weird. i'm not afraid to get older - far from it (as my dad always said - it's better than the alternative!). it just feels sort of more there somehow. 

when my dad died, i realised in a new way that life will give you enough reasons to cry without even trying, so it's not a bad idea to really enjoy the celebrations. and i have some serious fun planned - but first - look at this!!

this is the first painting i've ever bought - and i bought it at an opening night gallery viewing no less! it's painted by a local faversham woman who is also a friend of one of my friends. she delivered it to me this evening. it's a painting of seasalter on a grey english day - i love how the painting almost squeezes you out - it's not trying at all. i love how it's not trying to be pretty - just real. the flash makes it look brighter than it really is. i know this spot on the beach well and i love it. happy birthday!! 

i have booked tomorrow off work and we are going to seasalter, funnily enough, to partake of  the sportsman's tasting menu for lunch. this is also the first tasting menu i've ever eaten and i am so excited i cannot tell you. we had our wedding lunch at the sportsman, and many celebratory meals over the years. this one is to celebrate me turning 40 as well as our 20th anniversary together which we did not quite get around to doing anything with at christmas. we are to arrive at 12 and allow "at least 3 1/2 hours". be still my beating heart.

then friday we are having a small party at our house. just local friends, lots of wine, and some good food. the weather even looks like it is cooperating - though friday is too far away to be sure when you live on a small capricious windswept island. 

celebrations indeed!

my 30's were not easy but they were satisfying. i gained two degrees but lost my dad. i spent £40k (see degrees) and then paid it back. i worked hard and had a lot of fun. i've made a lot of new friends and connected with old friends. i have learned a bit more about stamina and strength which takes some of the fear of the unknown away.  i'm proud of what i accomplished, but i'm not sorry to see the hind end of these years. 

so there's my self-absorbed recap! i'm curious to see what's next. i really hoped i would be wiser by now but we are t-minus-4 hours and i am still daft so it is not looking likely. 50 perhaps? 

Finished!

birch

i finally finished my birch shawl and tonight i blocked it :) this has been the most daunting lace project yet - mostly because of the wool - it's knit in kid silk haze which is a mohair-silk blend. it is about as thick as a cobweb and fuzzy fuzzy fuzzy. you cannot rip it back as all those little hairs grip tighter than anything and you are left with a useless pile of scrambled fuzz.

this pattern starts at the long end with "cast on 299 stitches". in kid silk haze. right.

how any knitter gets past this line shows the tenacity of the human spirit.

i had to do it twice.

at some point tenacity turns into stupidity.

i don't know if i like it or not. i like the idea of it. i loved knitting it (after the first heart-stopping pattern repeat or so). i find triangular shawls very hard to wear, not possessing that european chic skill of turning any piece of cloth into a devil-may-care looks-so-damn-easy just-threw-this-on perfect accessory. we'll see. i actually had someone else in mind when i was knitting it but it's not right for her. maybe it will be right for someone else. or maybe we will fall in love and run away and be chic together.

in other news, i haven't killed anyone yet at work, which i think shows maturity and restraint. although, it's only tuesday...

get your mind out of the gutter -

 - "i can't help it - it's attached to the rest of my body"

(my all time favourite ((so far)) mash quote)

my husband, mom, boss, and friend (4 different people btw) have staged an unconnected intervention over this last weekend. all are concerned that i am taking events at work "too seriously" (cause hey - there's nothing like moving 3000 people into an ill equipped building with no decision making and little planning that should be taken seriously-) (it's jokes like this that are probably making them all worry. more on that later).

so.

they're probably right.

(was that magnanimous enough?)

ok they are right. i can't control what is happening at work. i am just along for the ride - a mercenary - a hired gun. none of these problems are my fault or the result of my planning or actions. i just need to make the best of them.

so i have a plan (of course i do).

i'm just not going to care. but in a specific way. I'm not going to care like alan alda doesn't care in mash. i am going to think of this as being in a lousy situation where i can't get out but have an important job to do (ok my analogy is flailing here admittedly) and make the best of it with grace and humour.

i have bought the box set for lessons. research. (cough).

lesson one i think will have to be to figure out the humour. my humour has become so dry and cynical it is frightening even to me (just a little) and more importantly - it's not helping but making things worse. case in point - today - in a meeting about outstanding items that have been outstanding (and raised constantly) for a long time - my response was a very dry "gee wouldn't it have great if we'd thought of that 18 months ago" (eyeroll). you see what i mean. just nasty and more than a little petty, and not even very funny. hawkeye pierce saves his nastiness and manages to be cynical but funny and (dare i say) uplifting at the same time. this is something to emulate.

i have no idea how.

back to the boxset.


(this post has been brought to you by parentheses ((!!)) yay! parentheses!! (?!) )