therapy

arghnhhhhhghhhghhghhh

(gulp gin)

(what - the gin i'm supposed to be saving for the weekend and anyways definitely not drinking on a wednesday which is, any way you slice it, part of monday - wednesday? that gin? yes that gin. and now we can add guilt to the angst pile. yay)

i have a severe case of the angst today. not even hangover related (that's probably for tomorrow - see gin, above). and it's not for a good reason even just a bunch of little crappy things and total paralysing fear over THE FUTURE and far far too many hours on various uk and canadian government websites trying to figure out if i will ever be eligible for a pension from any country ever. answer maybe just enough to buy cat food. for dinner. my dinner.

government websites have some sort of joy-sucking vortex going on, and expat sites are no better. there's no way to really get the information you need and lots of "helpful advice" that scares you so much you wonder how any of us ever anywhere are going to survive past 70. i entered details into one calculator that said i needed to save more than i actually earn to avoid the cat food scenario. it is all quite catastrophically depressing.

and i am skint and fat and feeling quite sorry for myself.

this is all aided and abetted by the fact that work is - how can i put this delicately? and in a way that precludes me ever being sued? "a bit slow". oh god is it slow. glaciers are melting faster than decisions are being made (that's probably no longer a useful metaphor - thanks big oil!). there is a ban on new projects but the main project is stalled and we are left to amuse ourselves until the dam breaks and then i will be so busy i will probably lose my mind that way instead of this way. the future's bright.

but at least i have a job (so far).

and the whole pension thing will change a million times by the time i can ever retire anyways. the smart thing to do is to pay off debts (getting there) then save save save. can't do more than that anyways. (this line of reasoning is about as effective as a plaster on an amputation but hey).

and you know, a nice guy on the train tonight pointed out that my travel card had fallen out of my pocket and i retrieved it and that could have been so so much worse as my travel card is pretty much the most expensive thing i own (and my bank card was tucked up in the case so it would have been a two-fer).

and there is, blessedly, still gin.

tomorrow i think i will look up knitting websites instead. and funny pictures of cats.

the path to the pub

and a check to see if i can post a picture from my phone...

dog bits

 

new jumper

i finished it!!! 

my first adult-sized jumper. 

and i only had to knit it three times or so. 

ok not quite that much but there is knitting and there is unknitting and they are sides of the same coin. there are still bits i would do differently next time but frankly it would have had to turn into pure handspun gold for me to rip out the collar and do it for the fourth time. i looked at it and realised that my dedication to perfection is actually fairly flimsy. fair-weather dedication. better-be-right-in-three-tries-or-bugger-it-and-call-it-a-design-feature dedication.

but despite this i am very proud of myself. i mean it fits and everything.

 

ah the effortless elegance of greyhounds (snigger). 

it's a quiet weekend here at the oast. there's wine to rack and beer to bottle, new knitting to start (!!!! - ok, you don't really think i actually finish things before i start new ones do you?!), and book 4 of game of thrones to devour. there's a chicken to roast and a cozy chat with my mom to look forward to. 

and the simple fact that there was life before i knew i could knit an actual jumper, and life after. mwuahh ha ha ha ha ..... (runs off to plot feverishly)

just what the dr ordered

we've been back just over three weeks and i think we've only lately more or less adjusted. it was such a pull back this time - whether due to the amount of time in canada or that last week of pure bliss on gabriola island, i'm not sure. I will write abut that beautiful week sometime and the lovely surprises therein - but just now i am somewhat relieved to be feeling content back in my own skin in this land we are currently (and for the foreseeable future) still living in. this is a problem with long term planning isn't it? it's all well and good to say: in ten years (or maybe less if the money gods are benevolent) we want to move back to canada, but you still have to live all those years where you are and the heart cannot be pulled in too many directions without rupture and tears.

but we are not there yet, and where we are today is snug and cozy in our wee garden with an afternoon bbq that we started talking about on tuesday or wednesday, refined by thursday, salivated over friday, were struck by last minute inspiration on saturday, and enacted today. cooking and eating are some of my favourite entertainments. add music and sunshine - a good view and a happy dog - wild sockeye from the (old) new country, and some very nice wine - well.

the menu if you're interested:

n's grilled flatbread with hummus
grilled king prawns marinated in garlic and lemon
grilled scallops marinated in coriander, lime, serrano chilli
grilled cherry tomatoes
grilled courgette marinated in lemon, garlic, parsley; grated parmesan
sockeye salmon steaks (thanks kez!) grilled on a cedar plank
potato salad

wine was a dry italian chardonnay and a sharp peppery french rose (further origins unknown - bottle in recycling bin and yr humble correspondent too lazy to go check)

yesterday was spent on the banks of the swale, watching boats and gulls and swifts and the tide slowly ebbing, drinking pints of goachers shipwrecked ale and eating sandwiches made of n's bread, salami,  canterbury cobbler cheese, with a healthy dose of salt air from the sea.

ah summer. although i know in my heart you are fickle and will leave me in the drifting leaves, today i don't care and i am sure our love will last forever.

to sleep perchance...

we flew back to london from vancouver yesterday - arriving at 7 am. that left a long day ahead in which to not sleep in (sorry grammarians). we managed this with the help of several friends and our local pub. i did cheat and slept for 20 minutes on the couch and when n woke me up i had no idea what time it was, where i was, or even what country i was in.

it worked though, and when i finally crashed out at 9pm i slept like a log - or a dog - or whatever - the sleep of the damned - the sleep of rocks and mythical babies. i woke up at 8 and made myself get up, although i could not bring myself to get out of bed before the coffee was done - uprightedness and caffeine are bed-fellows today. bed fellows - oh bed - i dream of you - upstairs in all your flat and pillowed beauty. how can we allow ourselves to be separated like this? how can such a luscious thing like sleep ever be a bad idea? jetlag you devil - you can twist even the most divine relationship into shriveled, head-achy poison.

clearly i am no longer making sense, so i will leave with a picture of my holiday wool stash.

ahh the pretties. almost as pretty as a fresh, turned down bed...they make wool duvets, you know - doesn't that sound blissful?

vancouver!

we've arrived! good flight, if long, and a lovely day yesterday full of activities thought of by n's lovely sister designed to keep us awake. it worked too - we didn't go to bed till 930pm vancouver time (at which point we'd been up for 25 hours).

the sky looks cloudy at the moment but it is supposed to clear up and be a bright beautiful west coast day. it's so lovely to be back!

and every time it rains it rains pennies from heaven

we're getting ready to go back to canada for a visit - we leave in a week - and i am getting so excited! the last few visits have been all about family, and unfortunately ill health and eventual death, and i think i almost forgot that we could fly out and just have fun with our friends and family. and that is exactly what we are going to do.

i am a whirlwind of preparation and planning - which of course fills me with demonic delight - there is nothing i like better. dog and house sitting is all lined up, extra keys are being cut, summer clothes purchased in the vain hope that maybe in vancuver or at least winnipeg it might not be cold and raining (shakes fist at the damp concrete english summer sky).

even more miraculously, the universe seems to be smiling upon us lately. there has been a lot of fun - a beautiful wedding, some great pub nights, a delightful birthday, and even an unexpected tax refund. even when things have been going wrong, they have righted themselves agreeably. i know it won't last but it is lovely when things actually go right without pulling and prodding, isn't it?

it's all good until i think about leaving humph for three weeks then the guilt overtakes me and i have to think about something else :( 

three glorious weeks of holiday!! and now please excuse me - i need to go buy a sunhat.

and then the sun came out

of hats

it snowed today. again. not interesting, sticking-on-the-ground snow, just hovering maliciously in the air snow. ambient temperature is around 2 above celsius, but there's a strong wind straight off the north sea that takes your breath away. trees have budded and stopped dead in their tracks.  daffodils , the ones that have actually bloomed, look like they're seriously reconsidering. and snow in the air. happy april. hey saskatoon - come and get your weather back - he's drunk and ranting about prime ministers cavorting with pandas or something.

so i did the only rational thing and knit a hat. you know, to practice my colour work (ha ha ha).

it's a great pattern - looks all harlequin from the side:

and from the top makes a star:

 and looks so cute from the front ;)

take that, winter. now unhand spring. NOW.