meh

i'm supposed to be sewing buttons onto a baby cardigan tonight but i've just poured a large glass of wine so it is highly unlikely (and soon no longer beneficial) for this to happen. this seems to be a theme, undeniably brought about by my own sloth and lack of will. the app where i enter my weight readings now says "n/a" in the "time to reach goal" section. even now, i am entering music track by track into winamp because i have not sufficiently learned enough about it to queue music. this is problematic because i am listening to the beatles white album (n is not home, obv) and some of those songs are only 52 seconds long. regardless of my music taste, this is maintenance to a standard i will not be able to keep up and soon it will be back by default to n's diet of pink floyd, the who and early genesis.

my list of things that need doing around the house is so long i have abandoned it in shame and self loathing. it is spring and things need to be cleaned and sorted out and filed and oh god.

the only upside is that i am managing to keep running - up to 26 minutes a time now, three times a week, increasing 2 minutes a week. perhaps this is the problem. perhaps all my energy and willpower is going to the running. when i consider my routine this does bear some merit. you would think i am going to my own execution were you to witness me tying up my trainers and getting ready to go out the door. i can sigh to rival humph, which is saying something. of course, once i'm out, i perk up. by then, i realise the only way to escape this hell is to just get it over with. once the first km is done and i comprehend (fresh - each time) that i am probably, on balance, not going to die, i - well ok, i don't enjoy it, but i keep going, which is just as miraculous. by the time i know i get to stop soon i am really quite happy.

i don't know. i just don't feel cut out for the world lately. i don't feel very good at this.

i know- it's all in the definitions - it's all in everything else. i know, really. just moping.