therapy

arghnhhhhhghhhghhghhh

(gulp gin)

(what - the gin i'm supposed to be saving for the weekend and anyways definitely not drinking on a wednesday which is, any way you slice it, part of monday - wednesday? that gin? yes that gin. and now we can add guilt to the angst pile. yay)

i have a severe case of the angst today. not even hangover related (that's probably for tomorrow - see gin, above). and it's not for a good reason even just a bunch of little crappy things and total paralysing fear over THE FUTURE and far far too many hours on various uk and canadian government websites trying to figure out if i will ever be eligible for a pension from any country ever. answer maybe just enough to buy cat food. for dinner. my dinner.

government websites have some sort of joy-sucking vortex going on, and expat sites are no better. there's no way to really get the information you need and lots of "helpful advice" that scares you so much you wonder how any of us ever anywhere are going to survive past 70. i entered details into one calculator that said i needed to save more than i actually earn to avoid the cat food scenario. it is all quite catastrophically depressing.

and i am skint and fat and feeling quite sorry for myself.

this is all aided and abetted by the fact that work is - how can i put this delicately? and in a way that precludes me ever being sued? "a bit slow". oh god is it slow. glaciers are melting faster than decisions are being made (that's probably no longer a useful metaphor - thanks big oil!). there is a ban on new projects but the main project is stalled and we are left to amuse ourselves until the dam breaks and then i will be so busy i will probably lose my mind that way instead of this way. the future's bright.

but at least i have a job (so far).

and the whole pension thing will change a million times by the time i can ever retire anyways. the smart thing to do is to pay off debts (getting there) then save save save. can't do more than that anyways. (this line of reasoning is about as effective as a plaster on an amputation but hey).

and you know, a nice guy on the train tonight pointed out that my travel card had fallen out of my pocket and i retrieved it and that could have been so so much worse as my travel card is pretty much the most expensive thing i own (and my bank card was tucked up in the case so it would have been a two-fer).

and there is, blessedly, still gin.

tomorrow i think i will look up knitting websites instead. and funny pictures of cats.