whimpering and rallying

well.

well well well.

i mean, if you were to ask me this week how i liked my new job i would probably reply (in my head) 'i hate it'. which is true. but it is also true that i still think the move has a lot of merit and it has certainly been successful in some measures. it will make me a better project manager. it has brought a degree of security that we didn't have before. it has paid (PAID) holiday - uk holiday - proper holiday.

but dear god above - i am working for a bank! how did this happen? how could i be so - so - corrupted?!

(technically i am not working for a bank - i am working for a consultancy firm that works for the bank. i am pretty sure this distinction will be immaterial come the revolution but it goes some way to salving my injured conscience).

it's been a trying few weeks. the culture shock of going back to the city, although anticipated, has quite taken my breath away.

btw, i should perhaps at this juncture point out that when londoners refer to 'the city', they are not referring to london. they are referring to a district of london, also known as 'the square mile'. the city is one of the primary financial zones (canary wharf being the bratty younger brother), as well as being the oldest part of london. this makes for some fabulous architecture - you will find remnants of the old roman walls, the tower of london, the monument, and something like 10 churches designed by sir christopher wren including st pauls. there are up sides to working here. on the next sunny day i will endeavor to take pictures to share with you. unfortunately, this wonderful built environment is rather distempered by the hordes of suited-and-booted minions of the devil who have made this their spiritual home.

i've worked here before, which adds shades of nostalgia to the unique city mix of wonder at the history and architecture and nausea at many of the inhabitants. but it's been a long time, over 10 years, and i have changed considerably. i'm happy, for a start. that alone will surely set me apart from the hordes.

it is getting better. i am no longer consumed with depression when faced with my new environment. i will eventually get used to working long hours again, and probably even enjoy that to some degree. once i get 'properly trained' (is it just me who pictures rolled-up newspaper here?) i will be busy and i am happy when i'm busy.

but - but -

- being a responsible grownup really bites arse sometimes.